Oh Alice

So I recently saw the new Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland, which is a remake of the 1951 version. Tut tut tut

*Note that they are both produced by Disney. 

My opinion of the film? I didn't like it. And the more i think about it, the more i dislike it. If you think you're going to watch a newer, 21st Century, CGI'd version of  the classic Alice story, think again. It's a totally different movie. Different story, different characters... it's just NOT Alice In Wonderland. In its most basic form, it is essentially a battle of Good vs. Evil. Which clearly we haven't seen over and over again.

I should warn you, this blog post contains spoilers. So don't read on if you're going to bitch.

Both films are based on Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventure In Wonderland, but the older version sticks more religiously to the first story. Burton's Alice includes characters and elements from both Alice In Wonderland and the sequel Through the Looking-Glass.

Such characters include a character played by Anne Hathaway called the White Queen (Chronicles of Narnia, anyone?), and she has this way of walking that annoys me. Imagine holding up your arms away from your body, almost as if you are hugging the air, keeping your fingers mostly relaxed and gently glide whenever you move. AH! NOY! ING!!

The most notable difference is obviously how visually different everything looks. The characters have had an 'upgrade' if you will. Personally, i really loved the Cheshire Cat in this version.

He was more playful, more interesting, and just more visually appealing. But Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter, im a bit unhappy with.

Generally speaking, i can't hate on the roles that Depp plays. Taking his role as Jack Sparrow in Pirates of The Caribbean for example, you'd struggle to think of anyone that could have played the role better.

But for the Mad Hatter, i can't say that he was the best man for the job. I think i would have preferred the role of the Mad Hatter to have gone to comedic actor Martin Short: 

Maybe he's too old, what do i know? Maybe it's not even Depp's fault. I suppose not. In reality what bothered me was the fact that in the previous version, the Mad Hatter didn't really have a moral compass. He was simply mad. End of story. Whereas in Burton's version, he becomes Alice's accomplice. And for some reason his accent shifts to Scottish (seriously, why?). There's also a point at near the end of the movie which i hated so much and, in that moment i knew that the movie was officially ruined for me; It's the part when 'Hatter' does this pointless and stupid dance at the end of the movie called "The Funderwhacking". My eyeballs nearly popped out of my head expressing my "Oh My God... WHY?!" thoughts. That was truly the stupidest thing Burton could ever do and i physically felt myself lose respect for him at that moment.

If they had changed the title, perhaps even though i would still dislike the movie, i'd probably dislike it less. They could have avoided this rant of mine completely if they had just named it Alice in Wonderland 2, or Alice Returns To Wonderland, or even Alice 2.0  or something relevant like that because that is exactly what happens. Man i'm pissed just thinking about that movie. 

If you hate corny, predictable 'good triumphs over evil' plots, or if the idea of typical Disney films that HAVE to have a moral to them grosses you out, then don't bother watching this movie. (i know i'm bashing on Disney, which is wrong seeing as I ADORE Disney and owe many many whack beliefs to Walt, but it's undeniable). 

Burton, you dissapoint and have angered my love for stories in all their Classical glory. So suck it.

Mr Bean

So my friend recently sent this as an e-mail to me and i just had to share it with you, although i'm sure you have already seen a few of the pictures before. Gotta love Mr Bean.

If Mr. Bean Had A Baby If Mr. Bean Was In Avatar If Mr. Bean Was Justin Bieber If Mr. Bean Had A Daughter If Mr. Bean Was Lady Gaga If Mr. Bean Was Bin Laden If Mr. Bean Was In Legally Blonde If Mr. Bean Was In Orphan If Mr. Bean Was A pirate If Mr. Bean Was The Pope If Mr. Bean Was Harry Potter If Mr. Bean ran For President If Mr. Bean Was Tomb Raider If Mr. Bean Was In Twilight AH Fuuuuunny

Lady Gaga - Telephone ft. Beyoncé

For all you Gaganoughts and Beyoncarians out there, if you don't want to hear me bash Gaga or Bouncy, best you close this window right now.

If you haven't seen the (9:34 min long) video of the two, you can check it out here:
Firstly, try not to confuse Telephone with Videophone. Maybe this will help: Telephone is Lady Gaga ft. Beyoncé. Whereas Videophone is Beyoncé ft. lady Gaga. Better? No? That's what i thought.

The concept for the music video (or more like short film) of Telephone:
The way i understood it, Gaga is supposed to be in jail for some reason. Even though its a prison, she is somehow allowed to keep her cellphone on her, and allowed to wear insane outfits that we've all come to love her for. Ok, its a music video, i'll let that slide.

Personally i can't get over the nasty she-males they call 'security guards', i mean have you SEEN those women/ men/ its? And the fact that it has a belly ring only further grosses the shit out of me. Not to mention how disgusting it is that one of the girls actually LICKED the bars of the holding cell, i mean come on! Then the she-males strip Gaga down to just her stockings and plastered nipples, and Gaga, for some reason, turns into this bizarre monkey-like creature, climbing onto the cell gate, proving to us (once again) that she hasn't got a penis. Yeah, ok, that joke is old now, move on.

I know Gaga thinks she's 'fashionable' and what not, but can someone please explain to me what is the purpose of cigarette-clustered-sunglasses? and not just that, they're actually LIT. If those were real cigarettes, her eyes would be stinging right about now.

Because she's in an all women's prison, she has to find herself a little bitch to make out with right? I'm not so sure. The 'girl' she picks doesn't exactly look like a girl. As in, not even a little. If that really is a girl, then damn Gina, please grow your hair, pierce your ears and start wearing dresses, because you would win the competition for best sex change.

There's this scene that really bother me. Gaga herself has said that she doesn't want to be compared to Madonna right? Well then, adding the prison dance scene was not the best idea. Dancing in your underwear? that's very Madonna-esque hun. 

Moving along, whatever Gaga did to land her in jail couldn't have been too serious because Bouncy soon posts bail for her. I'm no lawyer, but i assume that can't mean she killed someone, right?

Of all the annoying things in this video, by far what takes the cake is the acting. O.M.G. i swear it's like high school students making home movies its that bad. Beyoncé as a dominatrix is just really not that convincing. And Gaga, you are just naturally sexual , please don't TRY and be sexual. or 'badass' for that matter. Let's leave that to the professionals, like Angelina Jolie.

*Side note, i did love the addition of the Twinkie. If you haven't seen Zombieland, i recommend you check that out ASAP. Back to the bashing.

Just thought i'd mention the fact their getaway car is called the 'pussy wagon'. Why? i have no damn clue.

**Another side note, the subtitles to show what everyone  was thinking, that was cool. Clever even.

How long does it take for poison to kill a person? Beyoncé poisons her boyfriend with more that one toxic item, but the man stays alive long enough to finish his coffee AND eat pancakes. SERIOUSLY? Jeez Beyoncé, come to South Africa, we got the good quality killing devices here.

The whole video feels unoriginal, nothing new. You don't even have to be paying close attention to sense the similarities between Telephone and other things such as Videophone (why would they DO that?!)  Prison Break, Thelma & Louise, Bonnie & Clyde, Natural Born Killers, Badlands, Team America (or is it A-Team?), and even Austin Powers' Goldmember. Make that ESPECIALLY Goldmember with all the bright colours, 70's fashion, stupid car names, and of course Beyoncé herself (Foxxy Brown ring a bell?). Does it not also make you think of a certain Shania Twian music video? Leopard print outfit... car in the background....the middle of nowhere... i don't know about you, but i immediately thought of the video for  That Don't Impress Me Much

All in all, i could see where they were going with the video, what they were trying to do. But trying and succeeding are not the same thing.  i thought the video was decent attempt, but it just didn't work. I can already hear those angry mobs who are gonna disagree with me. Mobs filled with people who wouldn't know good music if you smacked them over the head with it and called it 'good music'. The song is ok-ish for now. But as with all commercial music these days, give it a couple of months. Maybe a year, maybe two, and people will have long forgotten about it. And enough with the Beyoncé / Gaga collaboration already. It's done. It's overrated anyways. Please, just stick to your own styles of music, kthanksbye.