Perks of Being a Wallflower

Let me start off by saying that if you haven't seen the movie or read the book, this isn't really about that so there won't be any spoilers in this.
This is actually quite a personal post for me, but it is a beautiful Sunday day, so I will try and keep it as light as possible, but forgive me in advance for being a little self-indulgent in this one because it's largely about myself.

I wanted to talk about what it means to be a wallflower because I think so many people out there are wallflowers and their side of the story isn't really heard much.
I know this because I was a wallflower myself.

Anyone from my past can tell you that who I am today is not who I was back when I was younger.
I wasn't "cool" or popular; I wasn't really much anything except someone who goes to the same school as everyone else.
I'm more than okay with this.

To give you some background, I went to 4 different schools, so I learned to never really attach myself to people. A simple hello, hi, I am here for a while, let's just get through this, and I'll be gone soon again, was all that was needed from me and my classmates.
That's sort of how I lived my life and how I largely am today still.
Because of that, I was never really included in many things, and I never really had many friends.
I would just like to point out that I did make some really great friends in High school. It's important for me to say this because I need you to know that I was basically a normal kid; I didn't have the toughest of childhoods, and although I went through primary school pretty much a loner, I know how to befriend people if I want to or if given the chance.
You need to know this because anyone can be a wallflower; there doesn't need to be a big traumatic experience in your past for you to be one.

When you're a wallflower people don't tend to pay you much attention.
You could have the greatests opinion on something, but because you're not really "important", what you have to say is not really important.
It's unfortunate but that is the world we live in.
Not everyone can speak up, so you learn to keep your opinions to yourself and let others take the lead.

There are definitely perks in being a wallflower.
As long as you don't do anything to make you stand out, you can do pretty much whatever you want to do and people won't really notice.
Yes they won't really care if you do something great, but at the same time they won't really care if you mess up either, because like I said, you just slip by under everyone's radar.
Being a wallflower gives you the ability to really grow up and be who you want to be, without the worry of being criticized for your actions or opinions.

Yes we all know that people who dress weird, or dye their hair crazy colours, or get weird piercings or tattoos, do it as a way to get people to notice them. They want to stand out to have their voice heard, and they are trying to force people to acknowledge them.
Maybe if someone just paid them some attention they wouldn't feel the need to go to more extreme measures.

I try not to take people by their word because we're all actors in life.

I know that majority of us are just trying to be perceived as normal to fit in, so we behave socially acceptable when in public because we want to feel a part of the group.
Because of this it's easy to let pain and the real side of us go unnoticed.
I watch reality TV because it helps hone my 'skills' of recognizing when someone is pretending to be something they aren't, not because they want to, but because they don't know how to trust people with their real selves.

Charlie: There is so much pain. And I-I-I don't know how not to notice it.
Dr. Burton: What's hurting you?
Charlie: No, not... not me. It's them! It's... it's everyone. It never stops. Do you understand?

When I watched the film for the first time, this part stood out for me the most.

There is so much pain in the world.
Everyone has their own form of pain.

It's incredibly sad that only some of us see it, while the rest look past it completely.

I think that's part of why I have a 'saviour complex'.

I don't really know when or how it happened, but gradually I just became less and less of a wallflower and got people to notice me. I think it's because I started voicing my opinion more and chose to publicly show people that I too had input, and that maybe they should start listening.

Now that I have (somewhat) of a voice, all I want to do is help others try and find theirs too.

In school, I was that person who befriended the new kid because I wanted to make them feel a part of our school.

In life, I'm that person who wants to invite everyone to the party because I want them to feel invited.
Nobody wants to be that kid that gets picked last.

I know what it's like to not get invited to parties, or to feel purposefully left out, so I know now to try to not make anyone feel that way.
What difference will it really make to you if you invite someone to your function and they aren't "cool" enough?
For one moment you can make that person feel special, so who cares if people don't think they will add "value" to your party?
That sort of high school mentality is what I can't stand about so many people today; that desire to only appreciate what others will think is cool.
I know it's meant to be taken as a joke, but it even bugs me so much when people use the Mean Girls quote: "You can't sit with us", because it encourages this mentality that "we're better than you", and I absolutely hate that.

Popularity is a strange, funny thing. 

Many people want to be popular, but I think that those that aim for popularity are actually really insecure and it's rather sad.
They want to feel special, but they don't know how to feel validated without someone else telling them they are valuable.
See kids, even the popular people have their own type of pain.

Personally I don't need to feel popular.

When you grow up as your own cheerleader in life, you grow to value yourself.
You know you are important, so what others think doesn't really matter, and as a result you learn to not pay attention to when others are cheering for you too.

You learn to value yourself for who you are.
And that, my friends, is the true beauty of being a wallflower.

I try not to give attention to popular people because that is exactly what they want and need to thrive.
Think about all those people you know that are considered to be "cool" or "famous"; do you think they would still be doing what they are doing if people thought it was uncool?
If the answer is yes, then you know that person is being themself, and they just happen to have a large audience.
But if you find yourself thinking: "Hmm, maybe not", then you know that person is only in it for the fame of it, and you liking all their photo's is like feeding animals at the zoo- you enable them in a bad way, which doesn't help anyone, especially not them.

There are more than enough people fawning over those who are popular, so they don't need me to add more to it.
I want to be the person that sits by the loner.
I want to help them gain recognition and self-confidence that they are valuable.
Helping someone realize their worth is what makes me feel like I am making an impact in the world.

There is another blog that I help write on.
It's pretty popular, but I don't publicly advertise too much the fact that I work on it for two reasons:
Firstly, the blog wouldn't be nearly as popular coming from me as it is coming from that other person, who is rather popular.

I can sit back and appreciate the compliments it gets because I don't need the recognition to be happy.

I'm happy knowing that people are reading it and they like what I have to say, even if they don't really know that some of it comes from me.

Secondly, it shows people another side of that popular person, a deeper side; a side most never would have noticed because all they see is the 'persona' that is put on.
When I initially told him he should blog his thoughts, I knew the other side of him, and I wanted to help share that with the world.
Reading through the comments on the blog only proves to me that people are genuinely surprised that he could think that way, and are only now getting to know the real him, and I love that.

I don't need to stand out. I'm more than happy to help others take the spotlight if it helps people to show their true worth to the world.

I'm glad that I was never popular growing up.
I'm glad that I was a wallflower.
It's helped me to see life from a different perspective and because like recognizes like, I know how important simply making someone feel included can be.
When I was in school, a girl in my class was slowly having a nervous breakdown and nobody could see it. Not even her closest friends saw that she was in trouble until I pushed them to go talk to her.
Because we were not close, she never would have trusted me enough to want to talk to me, so instead of me stepping in directly, I subtly forced her friends into recognizing there was an issue, and eventually they helped her through that.
Nobody recognizes that I helped, but it doesn't matter. She got help, she's okay, and that's really all that counts.

I find it sad that people watch the film and all they see is some cute teenage love story, because it's barely even about that.
In so many ways Charlie represents all of us.
Throughout Perks of Being a Wallflower Charlie would drop subtle hints that he needed someone.
He needed someone to just be there for him.
He needed someone to make him feel included.
He needed someone to make him feel loved so that he could control himself and be a normal person.
Once he found that, he was able to be happy.
In the end he was even able to say goodbye to his friends because he knew they were happy, and their happiness made him happy.
That's how you know when someone loves you for the right reasons, when all they want is to see you happy.

I think that the main message about the movie was people see what they want to see.
People subtly tell or show us all the time who they are.
I tweeted it earlier so I won't say much without giving away the film, but the movie has a much darker meaning behind it.
Some people were actually surprised when I pointed it out because they themselves had not realized it.
I think that's exactly what the author was trying to say, that all the signs are given to us, but it's up to us to choose to see it.

All I'm saying is, try and pay more attention to people.
Pay more attention to what they are really telling you.
Try to see past the facade people put on and see who they really are.

Try and help to notice when someone needs a hug, or just someone to listen to them.
Even if someone is shy, talk to them. You can do the hard work by keeping the conversation going.
People just want to feel included. Make them feel included.

Tell people you appreciate them and what they do for you. It makes them feel valued.

Try and make people feel like they count. 

Show people that they are important.

You'll be surprised by what true beauty can be very well hidden, if you only paid attention.

Do You Want To Exist In Your Life?

Recently I was watching The Real Housewives of Orange County (I'm a sucker for reality TV and the RH series is my crack), and the topic of happiness resonated with me, enough to inspire writing this post.

One of the ladies was having trouble with her marriage in that she and her husband had reached a place in their life where they had everything they could possibly "need", but they were unhappy.
A big house, a boat, expensive clothing, trips around the world; they have all of this, and yet they aren't happy.

Why is that?
Isn't society teaching us that these are the key ingredients to the happily-ever-after formula?
Isn't it practically written somewhere that if you follow a specific, responsible path, it will lead to having money, a family, status, and that you will be happy?
Isn't that why parents push their kids to do well in school so that they can get into a university to be backed up by a piece of paper that will eventually allow them to sustain such a life, thus resulting in the "key" to happiness?

I can say that I've been to university.
I have a degree. As a matter of fact I have two.
I worked at a job that paid well, a job that had all the benefits needed in order to be "secure" in life.
At the risk of sounding cocky, yes I was very good at my job and I could with time grow into a higher-ranking position at the company. Just before I left I was offered a higher position with better pay.
So why did I leave?

From a young age I've always realized that nothing can make you happy but you.
Money doesn't buy you happiness. Money buys you things.
How you utilize these things in your life is what makes you happy.

We create our own happiness.
As Oprah-ish at it sounds, what we want from life is what we put out there.

If you eat an entire chocolate cake by yourself, there are two ways you can feel after you eat it.
You can either choose to think:
"Man, that was a damn good cake. I'm so going to get fat from it, but I'll try and work it off. Or maybe I won't, I don't really care. All I know is, I enjoyed that cake".
Or you can think:
"Wow, that cake was good. Crap. Now I'm going to get fat from it. Damn it, I have to go to the gym. What if I don't go to they gym? What if I can't work off that cake? Oh no, I really AM going to get fat from it. WHY did I eat that cake?? All of this could have been avoided if I had just not eaten the cake!"

The money bought you the cake; either way you look at it, the cake is destined to have the same effect on your body. You can go to they gym or you can not go to the gym, it doesn't matter.
Your attitude towards the cake after you have eaten it is what determines your happiness, because life is what you make of it.
The chocolate cake will always be there, whether you take it or not.
The question is do you try to take it, and once you have had it, what is your reaction to it?

Whenever I look at my family or my friends going about their lives, trying to work towards that certain "happiness goal", I can't help but think that our life paths could not be more different.
That's not to say that I don't want the same outcome as they do, because I do.
Eventually I would like to settle down and get married and have kids and lead a simple life.
But for now, I want to stir things up a bit.

I want to scare myself.
I want to challenge myself.
I want to do things no one expects me to do.

Why? Because, where is the fun in life if you're just going to do what everyone else does?
If at the end of our lives we all look back and say we've followed the same path, what interesting stories will we have to talk about?

I love my friends and family. We all have our roles to play in life, and I am sincerely happy and love that they have found and are walking the paths they have chosen in their lives.
I just think it's not for me.
I'm too much of a wild soul, a nomad by nature, to be settling this early in my life.

All my life I have always said that no matter what career path I choose, all I want to do is travel.
I've been fortunate enough to say that I love travelling.
Through travelling I have been exposed to so much more wealth and knowledge than money can ever buy me.
There is no greater teacher than mankind itself.
The world is our textbook and life is our degree.

I wanted to travel, but in order to do so, I needed money. I was always searching for ways that would combine the two, without even realizing that there was one clear option staring me in the face.
So, for those of you that have asked, this is the reason as to why I chose to pursue a career as a flight attendant. At least for the next few years, until another crazy idea takes hold of me.

Yes I'll be moving thousands of miles away to another country.
Yes I'll be saying goodbye to everyone and everything in my life that I love.
Yes, I'll be removed from my comfort zone.

But that is exactly what I want.

I want to be in an environment where I don't already know where the nearest place to go buy airtime is.
I want to be completely anonymous in a city; I want the city to swallow me up and allow me to disappear into it.
Let's face it, everyone knows everyone in Cape Town, and everyone has an opinion on everyone.

As much as I adore Cape Town, I've grown tired of it and the same repeated drama and stories in it.
I need a change of scenery.
I need to try new types of food.
I need new faces.
I need new people and the new stories that come with them.
I need new adventures.

People ask me: "Aren't you scared?" To be honest, no not really.
What would I be scared of?
I'm not moving to the middle of the jungle where there is no hospital or cell phone reception nearby.
Dubai has doctors and internet, you know.
If I need to speak to my family or friends, that's why I have Skype / Facebook / Twitter/ Whatsapp / Instagram / BBM/ Emails.
There are so many ways to be connected with people, and with modern medicine there really isn't anything to be afraid of.

Then I get the question: "Aren't you going to miss everyone?"
Of course I will.
But doesn't absence make the heart grow fonder?
I think being away from someone allows you to appreciate them that much more.
Too much of something is overkill, and soon you can't help but grow tired of it.

I don't even look at this as a challenge, because it isn't one.
I'm not really a fan of using the word "challenge" outside of the context of a sporting environment.
Things can be 'challenging' without actually being a 'challenge' per se.
A challenge is the breeding ground for competition, and this is life we're talking about.
You cannot 'win' at life because no matter what we do, at the end of it all we all have the same fate.

As with almost all things in life, I look at this as an experience.
Whether any experience is good or bad, I will learn from it.
I've always lived by the notion that one should not focus on what was the best or worst part about an experience, but rather focus on what it is that you learned from it.
That way you gain knowledge from it, and through knowledge is how we grow as people.

I know that for some reason people are afraid of dying.
Personally, I'm not afraid of death. I have no fear of dying whatsoever. Why would I fear death?
After you're dead, you're literally just dead. What's so scary about that?
No, I'm not afraid of death.
But I am terrified of not living.
I try not to think too much about the good or bad outcomes of a choice or path in life, but rather try and think of how I will feel if I don't go for it in the first place.
For example, in the past when an international act would come to Cape Town to perform and the concert tickets were pricey, I would always ask myself is not going worth more than losing a few hundreds?
Would I regret not having the memory of that night more than I would regret spending the cash?
That's pretty much the reason why I have been to every concert that I have been to.
That's the sort of "happiness" formula that I apply to my life.
I don't want to have life FOMO.

So to you I pose the question, do you want to exist in your life?
Or do you want to go out there and actually LIVE?

Whether it be with regards to this new chapter in my life, or anything else that comes up in the future, I personally feel that it's not about the end goal or the journey even.
For me, it's about looking back and thinking that no matter what, I can say that I did it.

And isn't that really the whole point of life?
:)