This post is inspired by
Joe Brainard's 'I Remember', and by this
post.
I remember what Cape Town was like when it was still an unknown city at the tip of Africa.
I remember when "being cool" was never a part of my consciousness. All I cared about was how fast I could rollerblade.
I remember standing on my tippy-toes trying to see into the ice-cream truck as I wondered whether the vanilla & strawberry ice-cream would be better than the vanilla & chocolate.
Vanilla & strawberry of course.
I remember being young and light enough to lie on my dad's legs as he swung me up and down.
I remember being young and light enough for my dad to carry me on his shoulders.
Even as a kid I remember thinking "who knows how many of these I have left?".
I remember the first day of Grade 6 at my new school.
I remember standing right in front of the line outside the classroom, watching my new teacher, Ms Kay, turn the key to unlock the door. I remember thinking her hand was weird-looking. She
would later go on to tell us she was born without thumbs so doctors used one of her toes to make a thumb on her right hand.
I will never forget my teacher, Ms Kay, with the toe-thumb.
I remember being two years old at my cousin's 5th birthday in Dominican Republic. People say I'm crazy, but yet I remember that everyone wore pink and white, and I remember a song that played that day, a song that I don't have recorded anywhere and have never heard since, but one that I remember to this day.
I remember the day my baby sister was brought home from the hospital. I remember thinking "ANOTHER one?".
I am the oldest of four kids.
I remember being about 5 years old and throwing a spoon at my brother when he wouldn't give me the remote control to the TV.
He still has a scar on his lip.
I remember waking up from a nap one day, looking out the window and seeing my dad and sister sitting on the lawn talking to our new neighbour's, Nicole & Megan.
I remember when Nicole and I used to be close. I would go over to her place to swim in their pool because we never had one. Then one day we just stopped hanging out.
Now we never talk.
I don't even have her on Facebook. I don't even know if she's ON Facebook.
A couple of months ago her parents got divorced and she moved away.
I'm not sad we're not friends, everything happens for a reason. I am sad that we lost touch though.
I remember the first 'scary film' I watched. It was
Anaconda and I watched it at Nicole's place. I pretended like it wasn't scary to me. That night I couldn't sleep because I was terrified that a giant snake would come up from under the bed and eat me.
I remember as a kid I would watch the weather and always think that Madagascar was Robben Island. It never occurred to me that Madagascar is closer to Durban than it is to Cape Town.
I remember the first time I went on the 'Cobra' at
Ratanga Junction. I acted like it was no big deal. Inside I was terrified.
I remember growing up and wishing it was only me and my brother. Now my sister is like my best friend. And my 'baby' sister wants to be a baker.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE CAKE.
I remember the day my neighbour down the road showed up with her daughter, Nabeelah, who was wearing a white burka, on her way to her first Madrassa class that I was going to join. Little did I know this would turn out to be my oldest friend I have.
We also never talk. But that I know is not my fault.
I remember the day we had to give my first dog away. Scruffy, the (HUGE) St Barnard. His fur aggravated my sister's asthma. I can't help that I'll always resent her for that even though I know it's not her fault.
I remember the day Nabeelah's father passed away. At the funeral she couldn't stop sobbing. My uncle told me to go comfort her. I didn't know what to do.
To this day I don't know how to react to emotional situations.
I remember the first time a boy liked me. I was too young to be interested in boys. Like a scene straight out of
The Little Rascals, I thought the idea of kissing a boy was gross.
He tried to give me a note, I told him I didn't want to read it and walked away. It took me at least 10 years to feel bad about that.
Now I really wish I read the letter. The curiosity is so damn annoying.
I remember the first time I felt 'popular'. The only reason I would ever want to be popular was so that I could give other, "uncool" people a chance to be heard.
I soon realised that I didn't care for popularity. Too many expectations, and I don't like the responsibility of needing to uphold the popularity, often at the expense of someone else.
When you're "uncool", you can do whatever you want, and dress however you want, and nobody would care.
It's one of the reasons why I don't like putting up photo's on Facebook. It's too much of a popularity contest that I'd much rather not participate in.
Trust me when I say this, being "uncool" is way better that being cool.
I love people who don't have a desire to be popular.
I pity anyone that thinks popularity is important.
I remember sitting anxiously outside the ICU waiting to go see my father after hearing he had a heart attack.
Second scariest day of my life.
I miss the days of getting something in the mail that wasn't bills or spam.
Spam. I remember the days when 'spam' was something edible found in the USA that would come in a can.
I tried so hard not to make that sentence rhyme.
I remember coming home from school, rushing to get ready for Madrassa by changing into my salaah top, all in time to watch the
Teletubbies as my mother brought me one of my favourite meals, macaroni and cheese, or fried banana on toast.
I'm no longer a fan of macaroni and cheese.
I remember, and often miss the days before the internet. Anyone who knows me knows I spend a lot of time on the web, or doing something that requires electricity and modern technology.
All this technology has been created to help us stay in touch with everyone.
But the older I get, the more detached I feel from everyone.
I've actually grown to hate 'chat' and instant messaging.
People are way too easily accessible these days. No one bothers to visit anyone in person anymore.
I remember the first time I understood what it's like to feel lonely even in a large group of people.
We take each other for granted.
At the same time though, I'm very grateful for Skype, and for the fact that I have internet.
I remember the first time I saw my father cry. It's a strange feeling seeing your father, the strongest person you know, cry.
I remember being at my grandmother's house the day of my grandfather's funeral, and thinking how nice it was to have all the family under one roof.
That's the first time I realised that people only seem to care when something bad happens
.
I remember the first time I saw my cat, Sasha, in May of 2004. A tiny little black and white kitten who was completely wet and trying to hide in the tall damp grass of my high school field.
I remember that night how hard I had to convince my mother to let me keep the tiny wild little thing.
My first cat!
She (Sasha, not my mother) is such a bitch, but I love her to death.
I remember the first time I experienced the scary and incredible heart-warming moment when you realise you can't live without someone. How vulnerable you feel because you know how easy it is for one person to make you smile, and at the same time how easy it is for one person to completely crush you.
I remember the day I got accepted to UCT. I thought I would feel really excited, or very relieved, but I was so neutral about it, like I always knew it would happen because it was the most natural progression in the world. It felt as if it was almost too easy, so there was no point in getting excited about it.
I remember the shock, hurt, and distrust I felt the first time I saw a Muslim drinking alcohol.
I remember wanting to BE a dolphin. I wanted the ability and agility to glide through the water, to live in a world completely untouched by anyone, far away from anything that could (emotionally) hurt you.
I'm still very much the type of person that always wishes I could just escape it all at any given moment.
I remember the first time I touched a dolphin. I always expected it to be smooth and silky, like wet velvet or something.
Even though a dolphin's skin is smooth, it's more like touching wet rubber. I also realised that the word 'friendly' is not necessarily associated with being nice. The dolphin just wanted me for the fish in my hand, not because he liked me. Damn
Flipper is so deceiving.
I remember sitting in UCT's Jameson Hall waiting for the Dean to call my name so I could go up and get graduated.
I was so nervous about tripping. Or that no one would applaud.
I didn't trip. And people applauded.
I remember growing up thinking I wasn't like most girls. I never, and still don't, understand why girls think shopping is fun.
I detest shopping. I honestly find grocery shopping way more fun.
And I have never understood why girls are afraid of nature. I swear to GOD a moth will not kill you. (Except cockroaches. Those things are absolutely disgusting and creepy and indestructive, so they MUST DIE).
I remember the betrayal I felt the first time girls spread rumours about me behind my back. Honesty is of uttermost importance to me, and learning about 'false friends' the hard way led to one of the most difficult experiences of my life.
I remember the empty feeling you get in your heart when you become depressed. The kind of hopelessness that surrounds you. A sense of darkness within you that you can't seem to lift the heaviness off of you, where all you can do is just lay in your bed and pray for sadness to go away.
I promised myself I would never let myself get back to that place. I especially promised I would never let someone else make me go back to that place.
I remember realising that friendliness can be mistaken for flirtation. I remember feeling so sick about the fact that I was at an age in my life where I couldn't be friendly without someone thinking I had ulterior motives.
I remember and miss being a kid because I miss the freedom and simplicity of no drama.
I've always been the type of person who just gets along better with guys than with girls because I've never understood girls and the things they like. Girls are jealous of how easily I get along with guys because both the guys and the girls know I'd much rather do 'guy things' than most girls would. Girls are too quick to turn on each other, they like to hold grudges, and they play too many games. Another reason I prefer hanging out with guys, it's just so much simpler.
What happened to the good old days of team girls vs. team boys? Can't we please get over ourselves and have some gender solidarity like Beyoncé
wants!
I remember being in Long Street one day during the World Cup, not doing anything, just absorbing the moment. The energy and pride that surrounded Cape Town and South Africa during that month is something I will never forget.
If I could only somehow bottle that feeling and sip it every now and then, just as a reminder of how great this country is.
I remember being at the Coldplay concert listening to a stadium packed full with people, with the lights turned off as they all sang along to a song I didn't know at the time,
Shiver. I just stood back, looked around at all the twinkling lights from cellphones and flashing cameras, and took a second to absorb the enormity of how truly great that moment was.
I remember being in absolute awe of how everyone came together to show their love for a band, for music.
It's the kind of thing that somehow restores your faith in humanity.
Of all the great concerts I've had the privilege of attending, there aren't many that have such amazing moments that honestly leave you just speechless.
I remember watching
Yes Man and deciding that I would spend the rest of my life living with that attitude of just always saying yes to things (except when it's illegal / haraam, or hurtful to someone else. OBVS). Best and easiest commitment I've ever made.
I remember the scariest day of my life all too easily.
I was sitting in the UCT library downloading some show and got an sms from my mother asking me where I was because I needed to get to Claremont asap. Someone was coming to pick me up and take me to the hospital.
My father had another heart attack.
I remember sitting on the Jammie Shuttle to Claremont and nearly having a panic attack from re-reading that sms and not being able to get any new information.
Truth be told I didn't try very hard to get a hold of anyone. I was terrified of what they would tell me.
I remember feeling like I was sinking. Like my world was literally falling apart.
Imagine holding a large block of irreplaceable ice that you need in order to survive, and this block represents everything in your life you consider to be important. Now imagine that block quickly starting to melt as you try in vain to hold on to the water.
That's what that moment felt like.
I remember willing myself NOT to cry because if I did, I wouldn't stop, and I don't cry in public.
I remember that bus ride, the wait for my aunt, and the drive to the hospital feeling like the longest hour of my life.
I remember being angry at my aunt for taking so long to fetch me, and for not knowing what happened to my dad or how he was.
I remember walking past all my aunts and uncles who were already at the hospital and trying hard not to look at any of their faces for fear of what I might read there.
I remember the wave of relief that hit me the moment I saw my dad lying in the bed talking to my mother, I nearly collapsed on the floor, wanting so badly to cry.
I remember scolding my father for being careless enough to let this happen again.
I remember being angry with myself for not making sure my dad wasn't under too much stress. How did
I let it happen again?
I remember being so unbelievably lucky to still have my dad.
To this day, I can't watch or listen to anything that talks about losing one's father without crying instantly.
I live each day in constant fear of getting another sms like that.
I remember now to consciously appreciate my parents.
I remember to hug them as much as I can without seeming weird.
I remember to try never to argue with my parents, or to try and not protest their decisions over my life.
I remember to never say anything hurtful or disrespectful, because in the end it's never worth it.
I think one of the main reasons I try to experience as much as possible goes back to having nearly lost my dad. My reality today could have very easily been a different situation had it not been for the wonders of modern medicine.
Not to sound cheesy but, that sort of thing changes your perspective on life.
You realise that life is too short to NOT try and learn new things, go new places, meet new people.
I think most people could use a little shock to their reality.
I remember the day I decided I was going to live my life differently from everyone else, that I would strive to experience as many different things as I could. Not because I think I'm special, but because I could never see the point in living a mundane, repetitive life of just working and going out with friends for supper or a movie all the time.
I'm not saying you need to go bungee jumping every weekend. But just try and experience new things. If someone you barely know asks you to go skateboarding with them, GO. Who cares if you've never skate-boarded in your life? Chances are you'll suck, everyone (including you) will laugh, and you'll end up having a fantastic time.
OR.
It will be the worst experience of your life.
Either way it does not matter. The important part is you can look back and say you did it.
And when you're old and can't do anything without breaking a hip, do you think your grand kids will care that you bought a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes?
No.
But they will get a kick out of the idea of their grandmother/father on a skateboard.
I try to make others remember that sometimes it's good to dwell on the insignificant moments rather than try and create special events.
And remember that not everything needs to be documented and put up on Facebook and/or BBM (!!).
Leave that for twitter : )
I remember the days that were supposed to be great but never were.
I remember the days that were supposed to be meaningless but turned out to be actually some of the best days of my life.
I only wish more people could appreciate the beauty of simplicity.
